Self-reflection stuff followeth.
This over here is Daniela Sea. –>
She’s an actress and musician, most well-known (from a mainstream point of view) as playing Max, the trans man in The L Word – a tv series about LA lesbians with too much time on their hands :). I first saw her, however, in a film called Shortbus, in which she was playing herself, in her faerie alter-ego as Little Prince, and I totally fell in love with her then. (I mean, who wouldn’t? Those eyes…)
Now I’ve got fascinated by her all over again, suddenly. I was reading that she once spent 8 months living in India as a man, and she calls herself a tomboy.
The thing is, I now realise I want to be her. This is fascinating to me, as a Buddhist who’s always been intrigued with the whole Identity thing, who’s now journeying along a gender path that turns out to be way more lush than I was expecting. When I look at myself as the woman I didn’t get to grow up as, it’s like being two mirrors. And we see how I could never meet my masculinity, while I was trying to be the man I wasn’t. But the woman I am is way into her masculinity.
If you subscribe to conventional views about identity, this seems pretty insane. But I don’t. I think of myself as a dynamic continuity – a being that holds the shape it does because it wants to, but is also constantly flowing through time, being changed by every experience I have. So I see no paradox in wondering whether, if I’d been born woman-bodied, I might have ended up being a trans man :). Or simply a woman with strong masculinity (and maybe strong femininity too – I’m not sure where that sits in me at the moment, or whether it needs to be different from how it is anyway).
In calling myself a Trans Tomboy, I’ve hit upon a serious truth about myself. The woman I am is pretty mannish (by conventional definitions of the terms) – but only because she gets to be a woman, and that’s the kind of woman she is. That’s the kind of woman I am.
Well, I mean, at the moment I’m actually a wobbly and insane teenager a lot of the time, but when I’m done growing up, I’m fascinated to see who I am. I expect there will be waistcoats.