I may be less prolific here for a few days (which may come as a relief…)
I’m off to the other side of the country, to Norwich, where I lived for a year, to stay with the friend I lived with, and then spend the weekend with over 400 fellow ordained Buddhist men and women… oh no, I just checked and it’s down to 382. That would be a relief but for two things: one, my almost ex-wife will be there, and we haven’t seen each other since I began transitioning (eek); and two…
Our Buddhist order is both men and women, on equal terms (still not that usual among Buddhist orders). Except that we have a Sanskrit title we all use, so there’s a masculine and feminine form of the term. I made a point of booking using the female form, but they’ve put me on the “Who’s Going” list using the male one.
I need to have a conversation with someone about this (I had actually brought this issue up with someone already, and am waiting for a response); but more importantly, I need to not let it stop me from going (there were a few moments there where it almost tipped the balance). It’s weird how the “small” things make big ripples. The further I walk into this transition, the more uncomfortable it makes me that in some situations, I’m still unavoidably Mr instead of Ms. This turns out to be one of those situation. Labels are important, it seems. They resonate, and the male resonance sets my teeth on edge these days.
Anyway, I’m more anxious about just being there with all those people, since my PTSD doesn’t particularly encourage crowds and calm in the same sentence. So we’ll see what I latch onto as “important” to distract myself from the twitchings of my Inner Meerkat once I get there.
If I have anything particularly funky to tell – or feel like blowing off spiritual steam – I may post something here while I’m away, since I have The Technology.
By the way, you’ve perhaps noticed by now that I’m not broadcasting which Buddhist order I’m ordained in. This is deliberate. If there’s one thing I can’t stand (as if there was only one, pff…) it’s brand loyalty. So you’ll just have to take me as I am, without a logo :).
Wish me luck. Wish me calm, at least.
[sigh… late night overreactions…]